Can anyone grammar check this for me/?

Laura Boehm is a person whose past experiences have greatly influenced her goals in life. She was born on august 17th 1987, in Chicago, Illinois. Currently she lives in Oklahoma. She has 3 brothers, and 1 sister. She attended Mother Mculley, an all-girls school and was stationed on a boat in Portland, Indiana, Texas, and California when she was growing up. Moreover, her first jobs were at McDonalds, FedEx, Tanner Salon, and then Target. Laura moved to Tulsa just a month ago and her college major is undecided. She is attending U.S. Air Force Reserve, her job there is Aircrew Life Support. The military has dramatically changed her life. All of her goals involve family like staying in touch with them because her parents live in Chicago. In her Air Force career she loves the fact that she learned several things that she had the desire to do since she was a little girl. The air force is something she wants to defiantly look forward to in the near future. One thing she is grateful that the air force has given her was the privilege to learn so much that others don鈥檛 get a chance to do. Her family brings her hope, gives her courage, and most of all, confidence because she says without having her family believe in her to do what she feels she wants to do in life, she would feel awful. Though she is far away from her family she tries to make sure she visits them back in Chicago every holiday instead of waiting a whole year. Her education is something that Laura really wants to succeed in right now because she would like to for one prove to her parents that she can get a degree in life, while being far away from home. And second, she wants to feel happy knowing that she gets the chance to have a degree with her name on it and that she believe that if she can graduate from Tulsa Community College that she can do anything she wants in life. Laura wants to graduate from TCC, to get Bachelors, and become a pilot in the military.Can anyone grammar check this for me/?
First of all, in the first sentence you don't need to state that Laura Boehm is a person, this is obvious.



I assume that this is some type of writing assignment for school in which you are to describe yourself and your "ambitions" in life. I also assume that you were instructed to write this from a third person perspective. But if you weren't then don't because to be honest it's quite boring.



I couldn't read the entire thing, it's too typical of these types of writings. It reads more like a grocery list. If in fact you are describing yourself loosen up and make your reader think you are an exciting individual. On the other hand, if you are describing Laura Boehm, don't do her the disservice of making her life seem so boring. Forget all the nonsense of where she was born, where she lives, siblings, etc.. Focus on the underlying emotions that live within Laura. I suspect the reason her family is so important to her is because of her life with the military; cherish what you have while you have it type of thing, because tomorrow isn't guaranteed.



You can't possibly expect to convey one's life story in a paragraph, so don't attempt to. If this is a one page writing assignment, treat it as such, build upon details don't simply list attributes.Can anyone grammar check this for me/?
Corrected areas are in brackets [like this].



Laura Boehm['s ] past experiences have greatly influenced her goals in life. She was born on [A]ugust 17[ ], 1987[ ] in Chicago, Illinois. Currently she lives in Oklahoma. She has [three] brothers [ ] and [one] sister. She attended Mother Mc[C]ulley, an all-girls school[,] and [her father] was stationed on a boat in Portland [either list all cities or all states here], Indiana, Texas, and California when she was growing up. [ ] [H]er first jobs were at McDonalds, FedEx, Tanner Salon, and then Target. Laura moved to Tulsa just a month ago and her college major is undecided. She is attending U.S. Air Force Reserve[;] her job there is Aircrew Life Support. The military has dramatically changed her life. [All of her goals involve family like staying in touch with them because her parents live in Chicago.-- what are "Laura's" actual goals-- not what she strives to do on a day-by-day basis] In her Air Force career[,] she [has] learned several things that she [wanted] to since she was [ ] little [being a girl is understood-- what kind of things??]. The [A]ir [F]orce is something she wants to defiantly look forward to in the near future. [This sentence should probably read closer to: She looks forward to working in the Air Force for all of the near future. or similar] One thing she is grateful that the [A]ir [F]orce has given her was the privilege to learn so much that others don鈥檛 get a chance to do. [More readable version: She is grateful that the Air Force has given her the privilege of learning things that so many others don't get to learn.-- again, what kind of things?] Her family brings her hope, gives her courage, and[,] most of all, [inspires-- requires a verb in this series] confidence because [if] her family [didn't] believe in her[ ], she would feel awful. [Very insipid comment here; give some real emotion or real reaction.] Though she is far [ ] from her family[,] she tries to [ ] visit[ ] them [ ] every holiday [, rather than once a year]. Her education is something [she] really wants to succeed in [ ] to [ ] prove to her parents that she can get a degree [ ], [even while] far away from home. [And second, she wants to feel happy knowing that she gets the chance to have a degree with her name on it and that she believe that if she can graduate from Tulsa Community College that she can do anything she wants in life. -- REWORD: She also feels that with a degree, she can do anything she wants in life.] Laura wants to graduate from [Tulsa Community College], [ ] get Bachelors [in what? If not specified, then say Bachelors degree], and become a pilot in the military.



Hope this helps. It does read a lot like a list and the third person p.o.v. is very awkward.