Essay Help with any thing to change?

I need to make sure this Essay perfect for my 6th grade class. If i win i will get $250. So I really need help on this Essay so i can use this money for other college.(I know I'm bad at writing Essays)

Please add anything like where should i put commas and etc.



Censored

Censored

11/13/11

Opportunities Essay

For people who want to know more about opportunities in the United States should read this essay. I will be telling you about the opportunities that are in America that isn鈥檛 in other places in this essay. I will be talking about three opportunities that we have in America that isn鈥檛 in other places. First, we have better education. Second, we have more jobs for people. Third, we have many of colleges. These are the three opportunities that I will be talking about.



I will be talking about the opportunity, which we have to have a better education. In America if you have a better education we get to have more careers to choose from to have a better life. Better education also makes you smarter and more civilized because you know what is bad and what is not. When you have better education you will have a better life and raise a family, to keep the population going. You will also have more money from the jobs to live a happier life for yourself or family. Having a better education makes you smarter, which means you will have more respect for. It can also make you a hero, for being smart and maybe even helping out the army with tactics to win a war and help people鈥檚 lives.

The second opportunity in America is that you will have more careers to choose from. If you have more careers to choose from then you can choose your dream job. All you need is a good education, which I just mention in this essay. For example, say you wanted to be a photographer. In America there are a lot of employments because company survives from being decline from the economy. Therefore, more companies鈥?means more jobs open for citizens of the United States. More jobs mean fewer people being homeless and having no jobs at all. More careers means that there will also be more successful money-making careers for you.

The third opportunity in this essay is there are a many of colleges. A lot of colleges are a good thing is there is a higher chance of you going to college, rather than just have no education and work at McDonalds. For example let鈥檚 say Germany has very little college. Then a lot of students will all have to go to these colleges. Millions and thousands of students will go to these colleges. But there are very few rooms, so there will be a lot of these students who will not be able to go to college until later on when there is room. So more colleges means there is more people being educated and there is really no limit since there is a lot of colleges in America.

So, in this essay I just told you about the opportunities that are in America that aren鈥檛 in other place. I also said about the three opportunities that we have in America that isn鈥檛 in other places like France or Germany. First, we have better education in America. Second, we have more careers for people in America. Third, we have lots of colleges in America. These are the three opportunities that I just told you in this essay.Essay Help with any thing to change?
There are a couple things I would change in this essay.



First of all you make it sound as if university education and career opportunities in America are better than in Western Europe. This is not really the case. Although there are many excellent colleges in the United States, Colleges in Europe but also in Asian countries like China and Korea live up to the same standard.



As a reference you could use this Financial Times ranking of Masters in Business Administration (the highest certificate of education in business).

http://rankings.ft.com/businessschoolran鈥?/a>



I believe you should write that America has excellent education opportunities, although do not write "better" unless you are specifically comparing the United States to another country.



Secondly there are roughly 1.5 million current students in Germany and you state a fact "there are very few rooms" based on no evidence whatsoever. There are in fact 101 universities in Germany which equals out about 15000 students per university, a very reasonable number, and there are no shortages of rooms that I am aware of.



"It can also make you a hero, for being smart and maybe even helping out the army with tactics to win a war and help people鈥檚 lives." I would refrain from saying that a college education can make you an army hero, and that winning a war can save peoples lives (think of Gandhi). Instead say that the opportunity of receiving an exceptional higher education enables people to excel in their line of work and can help the world as a whole, for example through a breakthrough in treating certain illnesses or cancer.



"When you have better education you will have a better life and raise a family, to keep the population going." This is also wrong. Women have become more emancipated over the years and the opportunity of higher education and pursuing a career has led to a decline of children being born because women prefer to work rather than to stay at home and look over their kids. You should write how education offers opportunities for women to emancipate themselves.



"In America there are a lot of employments because company survives from being decline from the economy." This sentence is also structured wrong. You should write "Although the economic crisis has weakened America's economy, companies will be able to come back stronger than before and lower the unemployment rate over the next years"



"So, in this essay I just told you about the opportunities that are in America that aren鈥檛 in other place." Wrong. Correct is " In this Essay I have written about the great opportunities in America that do not exist in other places"



You first paragraph is also full of errors....

"People who want to know more about opportunities in the United States should read this essay. I will be writing about the enormous opportunities that exist America, which do not exist in other places. I will mainly be covering three opportunities that Americans have as opposed to many other countries. First of all, the United States have an excellent education system giving Americans the opportunity of gaining a higher education. Secondly, there are a huge variety of jobs for people. Thirdly, there is a wide range of colleges."



As a reminder try to find another word instead of "better" you repeat it too much....find a thesaurus!

Secondly don't always use "America" try to vary it with "U.S.A.", "The United States" etc.

Thirdly you are not talking in the essay, you are writing it!!!

And the last thing, do not use "aren't" say "are not"



Oh, and don't talk **** about Germany.....



I spent a good ******* half hour on this so give me 5 stars thanks