What do you think of my last final argumentative essay?

ok, this is going to be my final paper of this argumentative essay i know there is more detail on the second body paragraph but i want to get you guys person view. sorry i couldn't find a link for the rest of other three article here. but you get the idea. any way. please let me how i did on this paper or evaluate my paper.thanks. also that i posted a different version of this essay in the past without the revising and the correction so I took advise and example from different viewers and I added to my essay. just to let you know. thanks again.



http://amitaietzioni.org/documents/B170.…



Working Part-Time in High school help Teenage

Many students questioned themselves whether is easy to work while going to school or not? The pros and cons discussed and presented by Amitai Etzioni “The Fast Food Factories: Mcjobs Are Bad for Kids” and Michele Mangers “The Dead-End Kids” has a lengthy works that have much to say about the use and abuse of teenagers who are undertaking and working at franchises such as McDonalds and other fast food industries. They stated that those works does not give teens skills nor does it teach them about the work experience that needed for the real world. However, Dennis McLellan’s “Part-Time Work Ethic: Should Teens Go for It?” and Maureen Brown’s “Balancing Act: High School Students Making the Grade at Part-Time Jobs” disagree with them. McLellan and Brown state that part-time work has a positive influence on youth because it will benefit them as they grown up. All four article were well-thought written and all has a strong message for teens but I have to agree more with McLellan’s and Brown’s, because I believe any such experience does assist a student in their traumatic entry, out of a protective institution of school and into the real harsh business world. Therefore, I think it’s great that high school teens should work a part-time job because it’s going to prepare them for the real world by becoming more independent, learn skills need for the adulthood, and stay out of trouble.

Part time jobs help student to become more independent. A lot of us students wanted to grow up and take care of our own self. We don’t want to relay upon our parents to support us for the rest of our lives. So we sought to find a job at a very young age to get the idea of how to be an adult. As I was growing up, I never ask my parents to buy me something because I knew that money wasn’t easy to make. I knew that they have to work a menial job to support us and pay the house bills and mortgages. For that reason, I couldn’t go and ask my parents for money because it didn’t seem right. Then I decided to work and earn my own money and contribute to them with a little support and save up money for the car that I was planning on buying. After two years of working at my school bus office doing paper work, computer data, and organizing. I manage to save up money, help my parents and also bought my own car. I felt so happy and proud of myself, for not only did I get a car but I had worked and earned that car all by myself. Now I didn’t have to kiss up to my friends and parents for help anymore because I’m an independent. In addition to (authors name and page)…..

Part-time jobs help students learn skills that are needed for adulthood. My experience of working for the school bus was a great asset to me. However, I want to learn more skills by working in the field of adult. I want to find out what adult work is like and more importantly how do they interact and handle taught situation. I wanted to learn how to be confidence with other people and overcome my fear of working with different people that are sometimes rude, angry and unpleasant. I also want to learn more about different careers and how to put up information on my resume. More importantly I want to overcome my shyness and learn how to communicate more often. Communication is more important when it comes to dealing with people and work environment. It can also help to develop more skills and be flexible. In addition to Brown's, Michelle Gust, 17 years old, a senior at Mt. Carmel High, stated that "Working has taught me the importance of communicating with people,” Micelle say that “The management wants you to communicate with management and the customer. “I have learned to be flexible." She learned how to meet her college application deadline, and balance both her school work and her part time job (Brown 303)

Part time job also helps students to stay out of trouble. In the beginning of my senior year I was doing great in all of my classes than suddenly something change about me. I pick up a bad habit of goofing around chasing after girls, not paying attention to my school. As result I almost fail all of my senior classes. I knew I was going in the wrong direction and also losing my reputation as an honour-role student. Eventually, my counselor Ms. Helen found a solution for me. She advises me to get a job after school to keep me out of trouble. What do you think of my last final argumentative essay?
First, I hope you correct many of the grammatical errors in this essay. Even your title has multiple errors (Probably should read "Working Part-Time in High School Helps Teenagers").



As for the content, I think you didn't correctly use the first two references you cite (by the way, I couldn't even find your second reference . . . you may want to check it). They are not claiming that part-time work for teenagers is necessarily bad. And you do correctly state that they claim that McDonalds and other fast-food restaurants do not make good part-time jobs because they teach no job skills useful in adulthood other than getting to work on time. But that view does not contradict your latter references, nor the rest of your essay. Your personal example of the benefits of part-time work at your school bus office would not necessarily have been criticized by your first references.



To contradict those authors, you might emphasize the benefits that a McJob does offer. Learning to get to work on-time really is a skill worth learning. Self-reliance and earning your own spending money (and learning to live within your means) are also good skills. And while it's rigid and inflexible, it does teach respect for authority (you may get away with backtalking to a teacher, but do that to your boss and you're fired!).



Plus, while the experience of a McJob may more closely compare to the rigid monotony of a factory job, it may very well teach kids what they DON'T want in life. By this, I mean that if your lack of effort in school is putting you on a life path of factory work, it could be that a taste of unsatisfying work might provide the incentive to work harder to make more of your life. This final point is related to your final paragraph about a job -- any job -- keeping you off the street and out of trouble.



Now, you refer to many of these benefits in you middle paragraphs. But you don't argue against the worthlessness of McJobs. If that is a point you were trying to make, I would recommend going the added step and stating that even McJobs offer some of these benefits and explain why.What do you think of my last final argumentative essay?
You make your points pretty well.

You have several grammar mistakes though. Maybe turn the grammar check on.



"kiss up to" - find a better way to say this.



You may want to use the term, "setting yourself a goal" when you were working towards that car. That is a good sign in using your income wisely.



Good luck with this essay.